In between the time that you become a manager and the time you get fired, you may be asked to replace a worker who has quit in disgust. This is an excellent opportunity to showcase your skills in hiring by disregarding resume-screening “best practices” and instead “thinking outside of the box.”
Although this frequently results in hiring serial killers, occasionally you will end up hiring a unique, relatively harmless individual who shakes up the status quo and whose body odor is hardly ever a distraction.
Consider these tips for going through resumes:
- Does the candidate have a cool email address like badmofo@xxxmail.com? If so, five points for creativity!
- How do the candidate’s qualifications match up with the requirements of the position? If the job calls for digital design skills and their most relevant work experience is working the drive-through at DQ, five more points! Candidates with all the required skills are overqualified and will become bored quickly. Eliminate them and focus instead on go-getters who can learn as they go.
- If the job requires a college degree, has the candidate made a reasonable attempt to disguise his or her lack of one? “Attended College,” “PhD from School of Hard Knocks,” or simply a prestigious-sounding “Yale Lock School” are creative and effective ways to get around pedantic HR rules.
- Are there obvious typos or grammatical errors, such as mistakenly substituting the word “kills” for “skills”? Are there formatting inconsistencies like pentagrams in lieu of bullet points? Blood stains? These may indicate inattention to detail, or simply an action-oriented worker who can focus on the big picture and not get bogged down in minutiae. Five points!
- Has the candidate ever been promoted? If so, reject them immediately. You want a loyal employee who knows his place in the pecking order, not someone who will constantly be itching for your job.
- Has the candidate had more than six jobs in the past twelve months? This could indicate an inability to hold a job. Or, to the trained manager, it could simply indicate that they don’t like to work for sucky, micromanaging bosses who have their heads up their rear ends. Hey! That’s exactly how you feel! Five points!
- Does the resume highlight irrelevant jobs or activities like time spent in prison, an interest in body piercings, or awards like “Montana Militia Patriot of the Month”? Does the Objective include the phrase “Seeks high-paying position at a company that does not conduct random drug testing”? Are there unnecessary details like “Sued my last employer after being illegally fired on minor harassment charge (embezzlement and arson were never proven)”? These all indicate a breadth of interests and should be looked on favorably. Ten points!
Above all, don’t stress. Remember: the consequences of any hiring decision can be overcome simply by changing jobs yourself. Good luck, have fun, and happy hiring!
